The Curse
by Metal Gear Prime
Summary: With Prime now outside his front door, what will Starscream do to survive?  STORY NOW COMPLETE!
1. A Bad Choice

The Curse

By Kingdom of Deke

Summary: The Decepticons are made to suffer thanks to Starscream's mistake. They're not happy… 

Author's Note: This is a story that just popped into my head, the clearest sign yet that all my marbles have well and truly been lost. This is not a tale to be taken seriously in any way or form, so please enjoy it as a tale of hilarity, revenge and the gratuitous use of animals. By the way, when a word or sentence is placed between these brackets, , it means the character is singing.

Feedback please! 

Chapter 1: A Bad Choice

We start off in a peaceful forest. Lots of people are there, singing, laughing, generally enjoying life. It's like a scene from a family video, ruined somewhat by the abrupt arrival of a large robot with a voice like a cat being swung by its tail at high velocity, laying waste to the forest and the people in it while singing a song to the tune of Kyle Broflofski's 'Dradle' song (you know, the one he sung in the first season Christmas episode.)

**Starscream:** KILLING KILLING HUMANS, I'M KILLING THEM ALL DAY! KILLING KILLING HUMANS, HUMANS I WILL SLAY! SECOND VERSE SAME AS THE FIRST! KILLING KILLING HUMANS…

And so on.

But what ho! Our whiny voiced lad comes across an old man from the local gypsy clan and he's not happy!

**Old Gypsy Man:** Vile metal demon! You who have visited such pain and misery on our commune will now face the wrath of the various gods!

**Starscream** (looks down at the man with amusement)**: **YOU?!?! MOOHAHAHAHAHAHAA!! Do your worst!

Old Gypsy Man: All right, I will!

The O.G.M. starts speaking in an unknown and ancient language, the kind that usually pops up in school exams for no apparent reason. Colorful lights suddenly start swirling around for a bit before slamming themselves into Starscream. He falls to his knees, killing Shep the Wonder Dog in the process.

**Timmy:** Shep!

Starscream: W-What did you do to me?!

**Old Gypsy Man:** I have placed a curse on you. From this day forth, all those you care about will pay the price of your transgression! 

The Old Gypsy Man vanishes.

**Starscream:** NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (deep breath) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…

He stops.

**Starscream:** Wait a second…I don't care about anyone! No one at all! WOO-HOO! I love loopholes!

Starscream does a happy little jig when the Old Gypsy Man suddenly reappears.

**Old Gypsy Man:** In that case, all Decepticons will pay the price of your transgression! Try THAT on for size, Mr. McWhiny!

Old Gypsy Man vanishes.

**Starscream:** D'OH!

Will Starscream regret his transgressions? Will the Decepticons be decimated by the curse? Will the Olsen's twin's popularity ever waver? Find out in Chapter 2: It Begins, coming sometime this millennia! 


	2. It Begins

Chapter 2: It Begins

It's now night. We're at Decepticon HQ and Starscream is in bed. (Yes, Transformers have beds.) As he sleeps, he starts twisting under the sheets. He's having a nightmare.

We enter the nightmare to find…that all Decepticons have turned into Jamie Oliver! (The worst possible thing for Starscream, who's more of an Ainsley Harriet kind of guy.)

Jamietron: Try this pie Starscream. I think you'll find it's quite pukka!

Starscream: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Starscream wakes up sweating.

**Starscream: **Oh thank Primus. It was all a horrible, horrible, horrible dream…

Starscream lies back down and looks to his right where he finds…Jamie Oliver!

**Jamie Oliver: **Pukka!

**Starscream:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!

The next day…

Starscream walks into the control room where the Insecticons are playing a game of Brockian Ultra-Cricket. Bombshell runs over to Shrapnel and kicks him on the leg.

**Shrapnel: **Ow, ow!

Bombshell runs off to a safe distance.

**Bombshell **(through a megaphone)**: **Sorry!

Kickback runs over to Bombshell and kicks him on the leg.

**Bombshell: **Ow!

Kickback runs off to a safe distance.

**Kickback **(also through a megaphone)**: **Sorry!

**Starscream** (thinking)**: **Oh no! It's begun just like that old squishy said it would! What am I going to…no, hang on, they always act like that.

Starscream spots Skywarp at the far end of the room and walks over to him.

**Starscream: **WHAZZAAAPPP!

**Skywarp: **WHHAAZZPPPP!

**Starscream: **So what you doin'?

**Skywarp **(pointing at the Insecticons)**: **Watchin' the game havin' a Bud. You?

**Starscream:** Oh, you know. Killin' some humans, havin' a Bud.

**Skywarp:** True, true.

Thundercracker enters the room. Instead of his normal helmet he is wearing a lovely gold bejeweled version of Ultra Magnus' helmet. It looks grand doesn't it? Very, very grand.

Oh yeah, and he also has bunny rabbit legs instead of his normal ones.

**Thunderbunny: **WHAZZAAPPP!

Starscream and Skywarp stare in shock at him.

**Thunderbunny: **Oh, you've noticed my new helmet, eh? Whatcha think? Very chic or what?

**Skywarp:** Have you looked down recently?

**Thunderbunny:** Why, no now that you've mentioned it I hav- 

He looks down.

**Thunderbunny: **SWEET MOTHER MCCREE! WHAT'S HAPPENED TO ME?!?!?!?!

Hey that rhymed!

The two Seekers stared at their comrade as he leapt about the place in a rage, spouting curses as he went.

Yep. He was hopping mad all right.

**Skywarp: **Hey, slow down! Maybe we can…

*****POOF!*

With the very sound effect you just, er, saw, Skywarp was engulfed in a blue cloud. When the cloud dispersed, Skywarp's body had changed into that of a small girl.

**Skywarp: **Wh-what the…?!

In his new guise, Skywarp wore a long black dress with a white neckline and had suddenly sprouted short blond hair with little hair accessories in it shaped like two skulls. Only his face remained the same.

**Starscream **(thinking)**: **Uh-oh…

Suddenly footsteps could be heard coming towards the door on the other side of the room.

**Footsteps: **Goosh, goosh, goosh…

And then, equally as suddenly, the doors burst open to reveal…a doll. A doll wearing a burgundy suit with a frilly front, a heart shaped box of candy in one hand and a bouquet of flowers in the other and buttons for eyes.

**Mr. Gosh: **LENORE!

**Skywarp: **ACK!

Mr. Gosh runs for Skywarp who runs in the opposite direction. 

**Skywarp: **Damn these stumpy legs!

They run out of the room.

**Starscream: **Well…that was unexpected.

**Thunderbunny: **What the hell is going on?

**Starscream **(stalling for time)**: **I don't know…but I know who would!

Starscream walks to yet another door…

*WHOOSH*

*CRACK!*

…only to get whacked in the face by a rake someone left on the floor.

**Starscream: **What the…?!

He tosses the rake away, whacking Kickback on the head with it.

**Kickback: **Ow!

**Shrapnel: **Ooh, nice shot, shot.

Starscream enters Soundwave's office, the latter's swivel chair facing the Air Commander. Yes, Soundwave has an office. Say what you want about the Decepticons but they sure know their stuff when it comes to furnishings.

**Starscream: **Soundwave, I – 

**Soundwave **(sounding high-pitched and cute)**: **Go away.

**Starscream: **What?

**Soundwave: **Don't look at me.

Starscream strides over to the chair and swivels it to face him. He's stunned by what he sees.

For there, sitting there at a quarter of his original size, was an ultra-cute chibi Soundwave!

**Chibi Soundwave: **Something is dreadfully amiss here.

**Starscream: **Gee, y'think?

***** 

Meanwhile, in a galaxy far, far away…or rather, in a field twelve miles from Decepticon HQ, Bruticus is having a firefight with a group of Autobots. The Space Bridge is about three feet from the Decepticon.

**Optimus Prime: **Keep firing my Autobots! Victory is within our grasp!

**Hound: **What battle are you watching? We're not making a dent on him!

Cut back to Bruticus who's merrily shooting scores of Autobots while laser after laser harmlessly bounces off his body.

**Windcharger: **Why don't we concentrate our fire on the weak point on his back?

**Optimus Prime: **Who's the leader here?

**Windcharger: **Erm…you are…

**Optimus Prime: **Right. Now shut up and keep firing!

Windcharger and Hound exchange glances and continue to fire.

**Bruticus: **Ha ha! Foolish Autobots! Now I shall-

Bruticus stops fighting all of a sudden. We are suddenly looking through his eyes as we see a scorched battlefield, littered with the bodies of all the Autobots, Jamie Oliver and that annoying berk off the gum commercials. Happy days indeed.

Oh look! On the next hill they're holding auditions for the Swan Prince! Best put on your best performance Bruticus!

Back in reality the Autobots stare as the huge gestalt pirouettes around the field.

**Bruticus: **THE BIG BOT AM WINNING AGAIN! I AM THE GREETEST!

He prances over to the Space Bridge's entrance.

**Bruticus: **BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! NOW I AM LEAVING EARTH FOR NO RAISIN! 

He promptly leaps into the Space Bridge, which explodes. Why? Who knows?

**Optimus Prime **(triumphant)**: **See! I told you victory was within our grasp!

To Be Continued…


	3. And The Lows Keep On Getting Lower

It just occurred to me that I never put up a disclaimer. So, in the spirit of goodwill and the desire not to be sued into oblivion, I can say with an honest heart that I own nothing. Not even the stuff that I own. It all belongs to someone else. Happy now? Well, ARE YA?!?!?!

Chapter 3: And The Lows Keep On Getting Lower 

Back at Decepticon HQ…

Rumble and Laserbeak enter Chibi Soundwave's office.

**Rumble: **Starscream, we've got a big problem.

**Starscream: **How big?

**Rumble: **Big big.

**Starscream: **Give me an actual approximation damn you!

**Rumble: **Jennifer Lopez's ego big.

**Chibi Soundwave **(in total awe)**: **My god…

**Rumble** (notices Chibi Soundwave for the first time)**: **Soundwave? Is that you?!

**Chibi Soundwave: **Yes, it is me.

**Rumble **(not the sharpest tack in the box bless him)**: **Wow…is that a new helmet?

**Chibi Soundwave: **What?

**Starscream: **Oh for the love of…what's the problem?

**Rumble: **Bruticus has been destroyed.

**Starscream: **What?! How!?

**Rumble: **Well…it's probably best if Laserbeak showed you.

**Laserbeak: **SQUACK!

**Rumble: **Indeed.

Laserbeak transforms into his tape mode and inserts himself into a machine in the corner. Presently a picture is shown on the monitor.

Yes, it's a new and improved Laserbeak! Now with pictures that _move_!

The Decepticons watch the events of the battle from the last chapter.

**Starscream: **What the frot was he doing?

**Rumble: **He, um…seemed to be performing all the roles of the Swan Prince.

**Starscream: **What the hell for?! And why did the Space Bridge blow up?

**Rumble **(shrugs)**: **I dunno.

**Starscream: **Oh Primus this is a nightmare…

**Rumble: **That's not all…

**Chibi Soundwave: **There is more?

**Rumble: **Well, the Constructicons…

**Starscream: **Don't bother telling us, we'll go see for ourselves. Where are they?

**Rumble: **Hangar Bay 2. 

**Chibi Soundwave: **Laserbeak, come. 

**Laserbeak: **SQUARK!

Laserbeak flies out of the machine and transforms into his bird form.

**Starscream: **Let's go.

They walk to the door.

*WHOOSH*

*CRACK!*

**Starscream: **OW!

*****

In another part of the base Megatron strode with infinite menace, malice and other words beginning with 'M'. As he reaches an intersection he sees Skywarp, now with the body of a cute little dead girl, run past with a doll chasing him.

**Mr. Gosh: **Come back my love that I may smother you with my manly goodness!

**Skywarp: **Piss off!

Megatron looks bemused for a moment, then angry, thereby exhausting his repertoire of facial expressions.

**Megatron: **SSSTTTAAAAAAAAARRRRRSSSSSCCCCCCRRREEEEEAAAAAMMMMM!!!!!

*****

Outside Hangar Bay 2…

Starscream shudders while nursing his nose.

**Chibi Soundwave: **Why did you just shudder?

**Starscream **(confused)**: **I don't know…

A horrible wailing sound can be heard on the other side of the doors.

**Starscream: **Primus! Are they being murdered in there?

**Rumble: **Not exactly…

The four Decepticons open the Bay doors, only to discover...

**Laserbeak: **SQUUUAAAAARRRRKKKK!*

*Translation: "MOTHER OF GOD!"

…the Constructicons 'singing' Uptown Girl.

**Starscream: **What the smeg is going on here?!?

The Constructicons (clad in a startling combination of leather and denim and now wearing wigs which were, strangely, expertly styled with mouse) looked at the enraged Seeker.

**Bonecrusher: **SSSHH! We're in the middle of a recording.

Starscream gazed around the room at the reams of recording equipment which had magically sprung up that morning. A twitch suddenly appeared under his left eye.

**Starscream: **A…_what?_

Suddenly a small ginger man appeared from behind a sound booth.

**Small Ginger Man: **A recording. You know, music?

**Starscream: **Who the hell are you?

**Small Ginger Man **(lights a _huge _cigar)**: **The name's Prefect. Ford Prefect, Record Company   
Thing Man of Megadodo Records, and I'm signing these boys up.

We close up on Starscream's face. His expression suggests that he's just been asked for a cup of sugar by a two headed pink elephant wearing a Batman outfit.

**Starscream: **Signing up? _Boys?!?!_

**Long Haul: **Yeah, Mr. Prefect thinks we can go far!

**Starscream: **As what?

**Constructicons: **A boy band!

Starscream looks around for Chibi Soundwave, Laserbeak and Rumble, but they're not there. Chances are they left while their sanity was still intact. Starscream wished he had done the same.

**Ford Prefect: **Yeah, these boys have real star quality. I mean, look at them!

Starscream looked at them.

**Ford Prefect: **Can you see it?

**Starscream: **Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…no.

**Scavenger: **Pfft! Who cares what you think? When Backstreet Life's first single hits-

Starscream holds up his head and interrupts Scavenger, a technique which never works in real life no matter how long you keep your hand up.

**Starscream: **I'm sorry, what are you calling yourselves?

**Mixmaster: **Backstreet Life.

**Ford Prefect: **Dynamic, isn't it?

Starscream stares at Ford Prefect, then at the newly christened Backstreet Life. He stares at them both for a second before coming to a well thought out conclusion.

**Starscream: **You're all nuts aren't you?

Suddenly (a lot of things happen suddenly don't they? What a fun place Decepticon HQ must be!) a large hole was blasted in the wall. Megatron strode through the gaping hole, copious amounts of smoke pouring out of the muzzle of his fusion cannon.

Everyone stares at the open door not three feet from the hole.

**Ford Prefect: **Couldn't you have used the door?

**Megatron: **How dare you suggest easier ways of doing things! DIE!

Megatron vaporizes Ford Prefect with his fusion cannon.

**Megatron: **Everyone back to your stations! NOW!

**Hook: **No way man! We're getting out of this House of Funk and going to find a new manager!

Backstreet Life fly off.

*WHUNK!*

After first opening the roof doors, Backstreet Life fly off.

Megatron turns to Starscream.

**Megatron: **Another plot to overthrow me, eh?

**Starscream: **What? You're saying I had the Constructicons form a boy band as part of a fiendish plot to overthrow you? 

**Megatron: **THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M SAYING!

**Starscream: **I'm beginning to see why this war's been going for over four million years…

**Megatron: **DO NOT MAKE FUN OF ME!

**Starscream: **Must you always yell?

**Megatron: **YES!!!!

Megatron walks off in a rage…again.

**Starscream: **Twat.

*****

A few hours later, at that structure of justice more commonly known as the Ark…

**Optimus Prime: **Hoo, what a day. Inferno, prepare my dinner!

**Inferno **(lookin' insane)**: **Yes my queen! Shall I make it BURN?

**Optimus Prime: **…Beg pardon?

Inferno starts as if coming out of a trance and stares at Prime.

**Inferno: **Whu? Oh, sorry Prime. Musta blacked out there for a second.

Inferno walks off towards the kitchen the Ark probably has.

**Optimus Prime **(to Gears)**: **Have Ratchet look into his brain scans as soon as possible.

**Gears: **Can do.

**Optimus Prime: **Actually, now that I mention him, where the hell is Ratchet?

*****

Back at the House of Funk…

Thunderbunny hops into the control room where Starscream is. He now has huge bunny ears and buck teeth.

**Thunderbunny: **Problems?

**Starscream: **Megatron thinks I'm trying to overthrow him again.

**Thunderbunny: **And that's bothering you now? He always thinks that.

**Starscream: **Yeah, but with all that's going on…

Starscream sighs.

**Starscream: **Ah, well. At least it couldn't possibly get any worse…

On the 'e' of worse the doors of the control are smashed in and into the control room walks…the fused Megatron/Ratchet creature! Huzzah!

**Megatron/Ratchet: **BLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGHHHH!!!

**Starscream: **Eep.

To Be Continued…

More reviews please, or Marvin here gets it!

**Marvin: **No one likes me you know…

**Me: **Quiet you!


	4. Sanity Don't Live Here No More

Chapter 4: Sanity Don't Live Here No More

Author's Note: If you want an image of the Megatron/Ratchet creature just read Issue 70 of the G1 comic series, only in this story, the two of them are colored as they are in the G1 cartoon.

We're still at Decepticon HQ, only now it's a few minutes later. Megatron/Ratchet are now locked up in a huge cage, with Starscream, Thunderbunny, Laserbeak, Chibi Soundwave and the Insecticons standing to the right of the cage a few meters away.

**Thunderbunny: **Well that was surprisingly easy.

**Starscream **(looking at the assembled Decepticons)**: **I thought I asked for all available Decepticons to report to the control room.

**Chibi Soundwave: **And here we are.

**Starscream: **What?!? This is it? What about Astrotrain? 

**Thunderbunny: **Couldn't find him.

**Starscream: **Rumble?

**Chibi Soundwave: **Ditto.

**Starscream: **What about Skywarp? 

**Laserbeak: **SQUAK TWEET SQIRK SQUIRLOOKEL!

**Starscream: **What?! Denmark? What the hell is he doing there?

Laserbeak shrugged.

**Starscream: **So all this time we only had a grand total of twenty-one Decepticons on the whole blasted planet?!?!

**Thunderbunny: **Yep.

Starscream turns to the freak in the cage.

**Starscream: **You're quite the military strategist aren't you?

**Megatron/Ratchet: **SLLAAAARRRRGHHHHH!

Starscream turns back to the others.

**Starscream: **You know, that's honestly the most intelligent response I've ever gotten out of him.

**Chibi Soundwave: **So what has happened to them?

At this point Starscream has moved closer to the cage. Megatron/Ratchet have taken to gripping the bars of the cage with their three front arms and their one back arm. As Starscream nears the cage we can see that he is holding a live power line connected to a terminal. As he is speaking the following lines he keeps jabbing the bars with the cord, shocking the fused duo.

**Starscream: **That we do not know. However…

*BZZT*

**Megatron/Ratchet: ** AAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHH!

**Starscream:** …Laserbeak here has…

*BZZZZZZZZTTT*

**Megatron/Ratchet: **SHEEEEEAAAAGGGGHHH!

**Starscream: **…managed to catch what happened live on…

*BZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTTTTTT*

**Megatron/Ratchet: **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

**Starscream: **…tape.

Starscream is now just madly poking at the bars of the cage with the wire, a look of mad glee on his face. The other Decepticons begin to fidget uncomfortably. 

(Just so you know, all Megatron/Ratchet have to do to stop Starscream from shocking them is to let go of the bars. Which just goes to show you that having two brains doesn't make you any less an idiot.)

**Thunderbunny: **Erm…Starscream?

**Starscream: **Hee, hee, hee…yeah?

**Thunderbunny: **I don't think they like that…

**Starscream: **Sure they do! (stops poking the bars and leans in closer to the cage, speaking in the kind of voice which is just begging to be whacked) You like it a lot don't you? Yes you do, yes you…

Megatron/Ratchet releases the bars and grabs Starscream.

**Starscream** (meekly)**: **Help.

*****

Around this time at the Ark…

**Optimus Prime: **Find him?

**Jazz: **Nope. I've been all around the base and I've found no trace of Ratchet.

**Optimus Prime **(getting all dramatic)**: **WHY?!? WHY DID MY BEST FRIEND HAVE TO BE TAKEN?!?!

**Jazz: **Wait a second. Since when has he been your best friend? I've never seen you two speak more than three words to each other at any one time.

**Optimus Prime: **Well, uh…it was more understated than most friendships…

Jazz folds his arms and scrutinizes Prime.

**Optimus Prime: **It was!

At this point Grimlock lumbers into the room. On his arrival and despite only having his eyes to work with, Prime manages to convey disappointment, annoyance, anger, fear, hunger, happiness, sadness, sleepiness and arousal upon seeing him. This, boys and girls, is what we call 'over-emoting'.

**Grimlock: **Find doc?

**Jazz: **Not yet.

**Grimlock: **Me Grimlock hope Decepticons take him! Me Grimlock want to munch metal and slice Megatron into pieces with big sword and-

**Optimus Prime: **ENOUGH!

Jazz and Grimlock stare at Prime.

**Optimus Prime: **No longer can I sit idly by and watch you butcher the English language with your annoying speech patterns! This must end!

**Grimlock: **What you mean? Me Grimlock no butcher anything yet.

**Optimus Prime: **You just did!

**Grimlock: **When? 

**Optimus Prime: **Just there!

**Grimlock: **…Me Grimlock confused now…

**Optimus Prime: **Listen you grammatical nightmare, I want you to go to Wheeljack and tell him to fix the problem with your voice. Understand?

**Grimlock: **Yes! Me find Wheeljack right now and tell him!

For reasons best kept to himself, Grimlock decides that transforming into his T-Rex form is the fastest way to get to Wheeljack. He stampedes out of the room, inadvertently trampling Blaster who was on his way in. Prime and Jazz stride over to Blaster.

**Optimus Prime: **What's up, Blaster?

**Blaster **(pretty beat up after being run over by Grimlock)**: **Message…on…main…viewer…

**Optimus Prime** (to Jazz)**: **Punch it up.

**Jazz: **Shouldn't we help him?

**Optimus Prime: **Nah, this is G1. He'll be up and about in a few minutes as if nothing had happened.

**Blaster: **Hey, you know what? You're right! (He leaps acrobatically to his feet) I feel as good as…

Suddenly a large part of the ceiling comes loose and lands on top of Blaster.

**Blaster **(under the rubble)**: **…ow.

**Jazz: **Prime! It's a message from the Decepticons!

**Optimus Prime:** What?!?

We watch Prime, Jazz and Blaster (once he's dug himself out from under the rubble) watch the message from the Decepticons. We can't see or hear what the message is, but we can see the Autobots reaction. Jazz and Blaster look shocked while Prime is absolutely radiating anger.

**Optimus Prime **(arms raised in the air)**: **SSSTTAAAARRRSSSCCCRRRREEEEEAAAMM!!!!!!

*****

We're now back at Decepticon HQ. Starscream is lying on the ground looking the worse for wear with the other Decepticons hovering over him. Presently he regains consciousness. 

**Kickback: **He's waking up!

**Starscream: **…What happened?

**Thunderbunny: **The freak there played the bongos with your head and the bars.

Starscream feels his face, which is loaded with dents and bumps.

**Starscream: **For how long?

The Decepticons look shame faced.

**Chibi Soundwave: **…Ten minutes.

**Starscream: **TEN MINUTES!!! WHY THE HELL DID NO ONE STOP THEM?!

**Shrapnel: **They were getting a pretty good beat out of you, you!

**Scottish Voice: **Aye, I've not heard music so grand since Edinburgh in '82.

**Starscream **(very warily)**: **Who's that?

**Bombshell: **That…that would be Astrotrain.

The 'Cons step aside to reveal Astrotrain. He is wearing a kilt, a tartan cap and sash and is carrying some bagpipes on his left shoulder.

**Starscream **(well on his way to losing it)**: **…THE HELL?!?!

**McAstrotrain: **Och, laddie, are ye all right? Ye've taken a pretty bad knock there to be sure. How ye managed to survive I dinna ken.

**Starscream **(covering his face)**: **Oh, god…

**Chibi Soundwave: **Starscream, Laserbeak is ready to play back his findings.

**Starscream** (flipping back onto his feet)**: **Then do so!

Laserbeak transforms and slides into the slot under the monitor. After a second or two of static the picture shows Megatron in a room by himself, muttering something about how everyone is out to get him to his collection of onions. The time index shows this to have happened about three hours ago. About two minutes into this we can see the Old Gypsy Man silently walk into the room, dragging an unconscious Ratchet behind him. Dropping Ratchet, the O.G.M. picks up a mightily huge bar and clobbers Megatron over the head with it. The nut job goes down on the first whack..

**Thunderbunny: **Well that was embarrassing.

With that done, the O.G.M. steps back outside and brings in a cart, which contains a huge chainsaw, some welding gear, a value-sized tub of grease, an extra long cucumber, a ham and cheese sandwich and a rubber chicken.

The O.G.M. pulls Ratchet's body over to Megatron's and lays him out on the floor. Putting on a pair of goggles, he starts up the chainsaw and if I described what happens next I'd have to bump the censor up to NC-17.

**Shrapnel: **Oh god, god…

**Thunderbunny: **I feel sick…

**McAstrotrain: **Have ye ever seen anything as twisted as this in all yer life?

**Starscream **(enjoying the show with some popcorn)**: **Oh I don't know, it's got a certain artistic quality to it I feel…

After ten minutes of this Megatron and Ratchet lay on the ground as one Transformer. The O.G.M. packs his equipment back onto the cart and trundles out of the frame. The monitor clicked off and Laserbeak flew out of the slot, transforming into his bird mode once his was clear of the machine.

**Laserbeak: ***SQAAAAARRKK…*

*Translation: I feel dirty…*

**Starscream: **Well, that was informative AND fun, eh?

Everyone glared at him.

**Starscream: **What?

Thunderbunny notices a digital readout flashing on the console.

**Thunderbunny: **Uh, Starscream?

**Starscream: **Yeah?

**Thunderbunny: **Did you send a message to the Autobots?

**Starscream **(_extremely _wary)**: **Noooooooo…why?

**Thunderbunny **(pointing to a readout on the computer)**: **Says here you did.

**Starscream: **WHAT?!?

Thunderbunny pushed a button on the computer, showing the message on the monitor. The only problem was, it wasn't Starscream. It was quite obviously a piss-poor puppet of Starscream, with all the movement of a Gerry Anderson prop, quite clearly being manipulated by the Old Gypsy Man, who did an abysmal version of Starscream's voice.

**'Starscream': **Attention Optimus Prime! I have your Chief Medical Officer! I negotiated your pathetic security to capture him, not that a feeble minded half-wit such as yourself could have stopped me!

**Starscream **(seeing where this is going)**: **Ohhhhhh, boy…

**'Starscream': **If you think you have the balls to rescue him come to Decepticon HQ! And speaking of 'balls' Elita-1 and I could tell you a few things on that subject I can tell you! HA HA! See you later!

**Computer: **Message Ends. 

**Thunderbunny **(astonished)**: **You did it with Prime's missus?!

**Starscream: **That isn't me!

**Chibi Soundwave: **Oh, everyone says that when they see themselves on TV.  

**Starscream: **It's okay, it's okay. I have nothing to worry about, right? I mean, Prime's not dumb enough to think that's actually me, right?

Silence.

**Starscream **(suddenly deciding to stop deluding himself)**: **I'M DOOMED!

Completely panic-stricken, Starscream rushes over to the com system. Form a bit behind him we can see Rumble enter the room. He is wearing a Morris Dancing outfit and is holding two kippers, one in each hand.

**Starscream: **Must contact Prime, must save self from horrific death…

Rumble positions himself in front of Starscream and starts to Morris Dance. Starscream sees him nut decides to ignore him.

**Computer: **Ready to record message.

**Starscream: **Attention Optimus-

Without warning Rumble prances forward and slaps Starscream in the face with the kippers.

*SLAP SLAP!*

Starscream gazes down at Rumble who has now pranced back to his original position. He now appears to be high stepping in place.

Desperately trying to ignore the insane tape, Starscream tries again.

**Starscream: **Attention Op-

*SLAP SLAP!*

**Starscream: **-timus Prime! I beg you to-

*SLAP SLAP!*

**Starscream **(barely keeping his temper in check)**: **-hear me out! We have all been deceived by-

*SLAP SLAP!*

**Starscream **(driven over the edge)**: **AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!

Starscream picks Rumble up and drives him through the computer, destroying it.

**Starscream **(realizing what he's done)**: **Oh, shit…

**Thunderbunny: **Now what're going to do?

Starscream looked at the assorted freak 'Cons.

**Starscream: **The only thing I can do…I'm going to go to Cybertron. 

**Decepticons: **Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!

To Be Continued…


	5. Heart of Dorkness

Chapter 5: Heart of Dorkness

Decepticon HQ, a few minutes later…

**Chibi Soundwave: **Are you sure this is necessary? We can fight Prime off if need be.

Starscream scans the group again. We can see that the only normal Decepticons are Laserbeak and the Insecticons. We can feel his pain.

**Starscream: **Very sure. I must get reinforcements from Cybertron before Prime gets here and feeds me my wings. Astrotrain! Transform!

**McAstrotrain: **Aye laddie! Can do! 

McAstrotrain transforms into his shuttle mode, only now he has a mural of every Scotland player to ever play in the World Cup painted on his side. Starscream desperately tries not to notice. 

**Thunderbunny **(points at Megatron/Ratchet)**: **D'ya think we should name them?

Silence reigned supreme, so it did.

**Thunderbunny: **What? We need to call them something other Megatron/Ratchet.

**Megatron/Ratchet: ***YYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGHHHH!*

*Translation: Yeah!*

**Starscream: **Alright, alright. We'll think of a name.

The Decepticons think.

**Shrapnel: **Ooh, I know, know! How about…MEGACHET! 

**Megachet: ***SSSSSLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!*

*Translation: NO!*

**Starscream: **Megachet it is!

He walks to McAstrotrain.

**Starscream: **Farewell my fellow Decepticons! When I return glory shall-

*WHOOSH*

*CRACK!*

**Starscream: **Son of a…!

*********

Back once more to the Hall of Ultimate Goodness…

**Cliffjumper: **Erm, Prime?

**Optimus Prime: **Yes?

**Cliffjumper: **I know we're going to attack Decepticon HQ, but don't you think what we're carrying is a tad…excessive?

We pan out to see Prime, Cliffjumper, Jazz, Blaster, Hound, Windcharger and Bumblebee equipped with some _serious _firepower. And when I say _serious _I mean laser cannons and missile launchers about three times the size of any of the Autobots present.

**Optimus Prime **(voice dangerously low)**: **No.

**Cliffjumper: **Oh.

**Jazz** (to Bumblebee, who is covered from head to toe in huge, spiky armor)**: **Ready to go, little buddy?

**Bumblebee: **I can't move!

**Jazz: **So that's a 'no', then?

Grimlock enters.

**Grimlock: **Eh up, what's going on doon toon, eh?

Prime's face goes through every expression conceivable.

**Optimus Prime: **What did you say?

**Grimlock: **'Ere, that Wheeljack bloke's great, yeah? He fixed my voice right proper he did. It's wicked now innit?

**Optimus Prime: **WWWHHHEEEEEEEEELLLLLJJJAACCCKKK!!!!

**Grimlock: **Blimey!

Wheeljack enters. His ears keep flashing on and off rapidly like the strobe lights in a disco.

**Wheeljack: **Yes?

**Optimus Prime** (pointing at Grimlock)**: **Explain.

**Wheeljack: **I fixed his voice like you wanted.

**Optimus Prime: **I wanted you to fix his grammar chip you hack! Not his accent!

**Wheeljack: **Really? I thought you would've gotten tired of his caveman voice by now.

Prime sighs and shields his eyes as Wheeljack's strobing ears are beginning to give him a headache.

**Optimus Prime: **Just fix him, OK?

**Wheeljack **(sighs)**: **Fine. By the way, that 'ultimate weapon of death' you requested is finished. Do you want to have a look?

**Optimus Prime: **YEAH!

Wheeljack pulls out a remote and points at the far wall. A panel slides up to reveal…

**Autobots: **Ooooooooooooooooooo!

**Hound: **It's incredible!

**Wheeljack: **Huh? No, no! That's just my latest invention, Aibo 3!

**Autobots: **…..

**Wheeljack: **Look! (picks up small robot dog) It walks! It barks! It pees on your leg!

Aibo 3 pees on Bumblebee.

**Bumblebee: **IT BURNS! IT BURNS!

**Optimus Prime: **ENOUGH! Where's my weapon of mass destruction?

**Wheeljack: **Alright, alright geez…

Wheeljack points at another part of the wall. Another panel slides up. The Autobots crane their necks to gaze upon Wheeljack's creation.  

**Optimus Prime: **Yes…this will do. (under his breath) Soon Starscream…soon you will pay for seeing Elita-1 behind my back!

**Autobots: **…..

*****

Meanwhile, on Cybertron…

**McAstrotrain: **We're approaching our bonny homeland laddie.

**Starscream: **We're approaching what now?

**McAstrotrain: **Cybertron.

**Starscream: **Oh. 

Starscream walks into McAstrotrain's cockpit and looks out the windshield.

**Starscream: **Ah, Cybertron! My home and…say, what's that big metal thing right in front of-

*CRRRAAASSHH!*

McAstrotrain hits the large chunk of Cybertronian scenery dead-on, sending Starscream flying through the cockpit's windshield. He flies for about forty miles before crashing to the ground face first.

**Starscream: **This really isn't my day…

Lifting his head up Starscream sees a pair of feet right in front of him. Looking up, he sees that the feet belong to Dirge. Starscream leaps to his feet, where he sees that the Stunticons are also present.

**Starscream: **Oh, thank Primus, some normal Decepticons! Quickly, we must return to Earth and-

**Dirge **(ignoring Starscream)**: **Oh boy guys! It's a visitor!

**Stunticons: **Oh boy!

**Starscream** (seeing what's happened)**: **Oh no…

**Dirge: **Let's give him a big Cybertronian welcome!

**Stunticons: **YEAH!

Dirge and the Stunticons line up and start to sing a song to the tune of 'Welcome to Duloc' from 'Shrek'.

**Dirge/Stunticons: **Welcome to Cybertron, it's a grand old place,

Residing in the deepest space!

                                  Come on down, on the sly,

                                  Stick around, have some pie,

                                  Cyber-tron, Cyber-tron,

                                  Cybertron's a – grand – OLD – PLAAAAAACCCE!

**Drag Strip: **Break it down!

The 'Cons start to perform Riverdance with Dirge as Michael Flatley and Wildrider as Jean Butler. Starscream runs like hell.

*****

A few minutes later, in the control room of Decepticon HQ, which is different from the other Decepticon HQ on the grounds that it's on another planet…

**Starscream: **Shockwave! Shockwave are you here?

**Shockwave: **Yes, I am here.

Shockwave's swivel chair (yep, all the major Decepticons have swivel chairs. Didn't you know?) spins around to face Starscream. Sitting on it is a tin o' biscuits.

**Starscream: **NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

**Tin O' Shockwave:** Something bizarre has occurred. Not only have I been turned into a receptacle for tasty Earth treats, all of the other Decepticons on Cybertron have started acting oddly.

**Starscream: **How so?

**Tin O' Shockwave: **Look at the monitor.

Starscream looks at the monitor, which is showing what is happening outside. The first Decepticon we see is Ramjet. He now has HUGE eyes and is wearing a red cap and a green backpack. When he speaks his words are woefully out of sync with the movements of his mouth.

**Ramjet: **HA HA! Thrust! My greatest arch-nemesis! Prepare to be defeated! HA HA!

The camera swivels around to reveal Thrust. He also has HUGE eyes and is speaking out of sync with his mouth movements. He is wearing a blue poncho and a medallion.

**Thrust: **HA HA! I think not! It is YOU who will taste defeat this day! HA HA!

Ramjet reaches into subspace and pulls out a red and white ball. He throws it.

**Ramjet: **BULBAMUCK, I CHOOSE YOU!

The ball bursts open in midair and out pops Runamuck, now painted light blue with a green plant bulb on his back.

**Bulbamuck: **BULBAMUCK!

Thrust also pulls a red and white ball out of subspace and throws it. Thrust: GO, RUNACHU! The ball bursts open in midair and out pops Runabout, who is now yellow with a lightning bolt shaped tail and pointy ears. 

**Runachu: **RUNACHU!

**Thrust: **RUNACHU, USE LIGHTNING!

**Runachu **(powering up)**: **RUNACHUUUUUUUUUUUU!

The monitor screen flares up with a flashing array of lights.

**Starscream: **DEAR PRIMUS! MY EYES!     

**Tin O' Shockwave: **I'm afraid that I cannot send any troops down to Earth in this condition.

**Starscream **(rubbing his eyes)**: **I thought not…

Starscream makes to leave.

**Tin O' Shockwave: **I have one question though.

**Starscream: **Yeah?

**Tin O' Shockwave **(taking off his lid)**: **Would you like a coconut cream biscuit?

Starscream stares at the tin shaped Decepticon before silently walking out of the control room. He walks out of the base, then throws himself to his knees and raises his arms.

**Starscream: **HAS THE WHOLE UNIVERSE GONE MAD?!?!?!

**Scorpius **(walking past)**: **Yes.

**Starscream **(confused)**: **Oh.

TBC…

Well that was exciting AND confusing, yes? Join me next time for the epic(?) conclusion! Will Starscream survive Prime's rage? Will Megatron be separated from Ratchet? Will Shockwave convince the other Decepticons to try a coconut cream biscuit? Find out in Chapter 6: Showdown!, coming any day now!


	6. Showdown!

Chapter 6: Showdown!

Decepticon HQ (Earth)…

We are in the control with Chibi Soundwave who is manning a com system. Thunderbunny hops in, now completely transformed into a bunny rabbit, albeit with wings and those weird blue shoulder things no one can name.

**Thunderbunny: **Anything?

**Chibi Soundwave: **Not yet. However, I predict they will return very soon…

Suddenly McAstrotrain crashes through the ceiling in shuttle mode.

**Chibi Soundwave:** …or even right now.

McAstrotrain's hatch opens with a creak and Starscream staggers out.

**Thunderbunny: **Well?

**Starscream: **They can't help us. We'll need to rely on our own strength, wit and cunning to defeat the Autobots.

**Thunderbunny **(gasping)**: **So that means…

**Starscream** (darkly)**: **Yep. We're doomed.

Suddenly Skywarp walks in. He still has the body of a little girl, but he is now wearing an oversized Brondby IF jersey.

**Skywarp: **WHAAAZZAAAPP!

**Decepticons: **WHHHHAAAAZZZAAAPP!

**Starscream: **Where on Iacon have you been?

**Skywarp: **Denmark. I think I finally lost that demented doll there…

On the 'E' of 'there' Mr. Gosh lumbers into the room.

**Mr. Gosh: **THERE you are my curvaceous vixen! Come to me!

**Skywarp: **EEK!

McAstrotrain transforms all of a sudden, crushing the love struck doll.

**Skywarp: **Whew… 

Just then MTV came on the monitor.

**Attractive Female Host: **YEAH! WOO! And today we're talkin' about one of the hottest new boy bands around! That's right girls, we're talkin'… BACKSTREET LIFE!

**Decepticons: **…WHAT?!?!

A picture of the Constructicons (a.k.a. Backstreet Life) pops up. They are wearing a startling mix of leather and denim and are adopting poses which make them look like right gits. Bonecrusher now has a goatee while Scrapper has a mysterious patch of spiky hair.

**Attractive Female Host: **And they're here today to perform their No.1 single, "Born To Touch Your Thingy Baby ALRIGHT!"! So give it up for…BACKSTREET LIFE!

The camera cuts to a TV stage. It is dark and all that can be seen are five giant silhouettes. A god-awful singing voice can be heard. Suddenly the lights flare on and Backstreet Life jump around to face the audience of teenage girls. The next few words are lost in the hypersonic screaming of the girls. A number of signs being hoisted by various girls can be seen. One reads, "Long Haul, I love you!", another proclaims "Bonecrusher, marry me!" while yet another says, "Hook, I'm pregnant!"

Back to the Decepticons who have just read this message.

**Starscream **(very quietly)**: **We did not see that…

**Chibi Soundwave: **Actually, given our superior optics there is little chance that we-

**Starscream **(just as quietly but with a measure of force)**: **We – did – not – see – that.

*****

On some road leading to Decepticon HQ…

Two old timers sit on the porch of a shack by the side of the road. They rock back and forth in their chairs for a bit. It's all mighty peaceful. Then a convoy of Autobots tear down the road, followed by a massive Weapon of Destruction. The shack is destroyed by the wind kicked up by the movement.

**Ol' Bert: **Gonna hafta rebuild the house…

**Ol' Ernie: **A-yup.

*****

Back at the big ol' sinister hideout that is DHQ…

Starscream walks into the Insecticons quarters. He finds Bombshell sleeping on one of the beds. Leads are leading from an open panel in his head to a monitor, which is watched by Shrapnel and Kickback.

**Starscream: **What's going on here?

**Kickback: **SHHH! His dream's getting good!

**Starscream: **Excuse me?

Starscream gazes at the monitor, which he quickly recognizes as a Dream Recorder. The dream being shown was a snowboarding competition. Bombshell is standing there, dressed exactly like a snowboarder, if the snowboarder in question happened to be color blind, with Elise and Marisol from SSX Tricky fighting over him.

**Marisol: **He's MINE, you bitch!

**Elise: **Like hell he is you slut!

**Bombshell **(in a deep Barry White voice)**: **OH YEAH!

**Starscream: **I don't believe this…

**Kickback: **Dude, I know! It's SO obvious he should pick Elise. She so fiiiiiinne!

Starscream considers a life inside a straightjacket.

**Shrapnel: **Dude! What're you saying? It's gotta be Marisol, Marisol!

**Kickback: **Elise!

**Shrapnel: **Marisol, Marisol!

**Kickback: **ELISE!

**Shrapnel: **MARISOL, MARISOL!

Starscream quietly backs out of the room and closes the door. Laserbeak flies up and lands on his shoulder. They walk into the control room.

**Starscream: **By Primus, Laserbeak, what am I going to do? You're the only one I can count on now…

**Laserbeak: **Really? Well, in that case Star-didily-ars-scream, you can coun-diddily-ount on me by golly!

**Starscream** (cradling his face in his hands)**: **I want my mommy…

**Megachet: **AAAAAAGGGHHH!

**Starscream: **Quiet you!

**Automated Voice: **DANGER! DANGER! AUTOBOTS DETECTED IN VICINITY!

**Starscream: **DECEPTICONS! ASSAMBLE AT MAIN GATE NOW!

*****

Outside Decepticon HQ…

Starscream, Thunderbunny, Skywarp, Chibi Soundwave, McAstrotrain, Rumble, Laserbeak, Shrapnel, Kickback and Bombshell (in his snowboarding gear complete with snowboard) are standing outside the base waiting for the Autobots.

**Skywarp: **Don't worry Starscream, they'll have to get through us if they want you. Right guys?

**Decepticons: **YEAH!!

**Starscream **(genuinely touched)**: **Thanks you guys…

Suddenly Jazz, Windcharger, Hound, Bluestreak, Grimlock, Inferno, Bumblebee, Blaster, Gears and Wheeljack turn up.

**Gears: **Hi, how are ya?

**McAstrotrain: **Och, wee bonnie Autobot lad! We're not giving up Starscream with nary a fight!

**All Transformers: **Huh?

**Grimlock **(in posh English accent)**: **I'm afraid you've leapt to rather the wrong conclusion my dear triple changer. Your erroneous assumption will be your downfall.

Bluestreak giggles.

**Grimlock: **Oh, cease your annoying prattling, you Prowl wannabe!

Bluestreak runs off crying.

**Thunderbunny: **It'll take more than you to beat us!

**Wheeljack: **Yeah, we figured as much. That's why we brought this…

The Autobots step aside to reveal…the Psycho Gundam MK 3!!!

Focus on Starscream, who is gazing up at the insanely powerful Mobile Suit.

**Starscream: **HA! You may have an enormously powerful weapon on your side, but we have something far more potent: teamwork and friendship! Right guys?

Starscream looks around to find that the 'Cons have disappeared. 

**Starscream: **Guys?

He keeps looking around and eventually spots them running off into the distance.

**Starscream: **BASTARDS!

**Optimus Prime **(from inside the Psycho's cockpit)**: **Now Starscream…now you DIE!

**Starscream: **AUUUGGGHH!

The Psycho opens up with gunfire from its shoulders. Starscream barely dodges them and fires his null ray. It hits with very little effect. The Psycho then opens various gun ports on its body. The entire scenery turns black with little pink streaking effects for no discernable reason.

**Mysterious Voice: **YOU'RE GONNA DIE!

**Starscream: **Huh?

The Psycho opens up with an array of lasers, sending Starscream flying. It then walks over to the battered Seeker, pulls back its arm and unsheathes a laser sword.

**Mysterious Voice: **YOU CAN'T DEFEND!

**Starscream: **Says you!

Starscream rolls out of the way just in the nick of time as the Psycho brings the sword up in a sweeping motion. Putting the sword away it reopens the gun ports and the scenery goes funny again.

**Mysterious Voice: **YOU'RE GONNA DIE!

**Starscream: **Alright, that does it. Who the hell keeps saying that and playing that weird yet mightily funky music?

Starscream walks over to a large bush and moves it aside, revealing Cliffjumper with a microphone, some huge speakers and a CD player.

**Cliffjumper **(meekly)**: **Hi!

Starscream stares for a moment, then raises his null ray.

*BLAM!*

**Jazz: **He killed my other little buddy!

**Cliffjumper: **No actually, I'm still alive…

**Grimlock: **The cad!

**Cliffjumper: **Uh, guys?

**Optimus Prime: **ATTACK!

**Starscream: **Aw nerts!

Starscream runs back inside and closes the doors. He quickly bars them and runs to his quarters.

**Starscream **(on his knees and shouting at the ceiling)**: **Alright fine! You've beaten me! You've managed to bring me to the brink of death and madness in only a few days! It usually takes me a few months to do it on my own! What do you want anyway? An apology? Well fine; I'M SORRY!

**Voice of Old Gypsy Man: **See, was that so hard?

**Starscream: **Wha?

There is a blinding flash and a popping sound. Starscream unbars the doors and goes outside to see nothing.

**Starscream: **Huh. That was easy.

*****

On a random asteroid…

**Optimus Prime: **How the hell did we end up here?!?!

**Cliffjumper: **I dunno.

**Inferno **(pointing at a random crater)**: **BURN!

*****

Back at Decepticon HQ…

Starscream is relaxing in a chair when Thundercracker and Skywarp come in, back top normal. Well, as normal as thirty-foot alien robots who transform into Earth jets can be.

**Starscream: **Ah, so you're back I see. Is everyone back to normal?

**Skywarp: **Yep. The Constructicons just came back. Said their label dumped 'em. Somethin' about how sexy giant robots were _so_ last June.

**Starscream: **So, all's well that ends well, yeah?

**Thundercracker: **What are you talking about? They're still having Pokemon battles up on Cybertron. It's Blitzwing vs. Frenzy next Tuesday.

**Skywarp: **And Megatron's still fused with Ratchet. 

**Megachet: **NUUUUUURRREEEAAAKK!

**Starscream: **Yep, all's well that ends well.

Shrapnel runs up to Starscream and kicks him on the shins.

**Starscream: **OW!

**Shrapnel **(from a safe distance and through a megaphone)**: **Sorry, sorry!

THE END


End file.
